My books, and my name, seem to have garnered a bit of a following. As I have watched the books sell and read the reviews (even those that are not so kind), I have felt excitement at the idea that, if I publish something, it will get read. There are enough people out there that recognize and enjoy my work that someone, somewhere, will get something out of anything I publish. That’s a pretty cool feeling.
I started writing NC BDSM erotica around ten years ago, at best guess. For far longer than that, I have been affected by severe clinical depression that has proven to be treatment resistant. I have been on many, many anti-depressants in attempts to stabilize my mood into something that is both not suicidal, yet driven enough to not qualify as a zombie. I also have severe sleep apnea that is treated by a machine, which is only able to partially fix the problem, and mysterious pains in both of my hands that prevent me from typing for long periods of time. They also prevent me from so much as gripping a screwdriver or, some days, brushing my teeth without severe, cramping pain. Needless to say, I am sometimes dependent on my sub/wife/editor simply to get by on a day to day basis.
I have endured three major surgeries to try to fix my hands — two ulnar nerve transposition surgeries, and I am currently recovering from a two-level cervical spinal fusion, in addition to changing my anti-depressants once again. I even have hypogonadism, which means my body produces very, very little testosterone on its own, and therefore I have to get shots to keep things level. Hypogonadism is also a hilarious word, in my opinion, but I’m weird like that. Surprising that the person who writes what I write would have low testosterone, eh?
None of these surgeries or treatments have fixed my hands, though, let alone my ability to concentrate, which is probably the bigger problem. Even now, just writing this, my eyelids are drooping and my hands are getting crampy, and I’ve only written around 300 words, according to WordPress.
As you might imagine, the books that I have written and sold do not produce much in the way of income. It is definitely not enough to live on. However, it is enough to feel appreciated, and to feel like people truly want me to write more, and I am very grateful for that.
So I wanted everyone to know that I am still writing. The mood does hit, I do put words on pages, and I am still planning to continue publishing books, even if there are long pauses in between. I am still fighting to become more pain-free, still trying to get to a point where I can stay at least reasonably excited about life, about my fantasies, and about my writing, and get up to publishing at least 2-3 books a year. I am still going to the doctors, still asking for the next steps, and still taking those next steps in an effort to get healed enough to get to where I want to be. Ideally, I’d love to Stephen King (or Argus) the hell out of this stuff and put 2000+ words down a day, but I don’t know if my body will ever allow for that. I write down ideas for new concepts and new stories all the time, but I just don’t have the energy, or hand stamina, to actually turn these into full blown stories or books. There is certainly no lack of content — it’s just all in my head, instead of in digital format.
I wanted to write this post to let my fans and readers know that, no matter how long I go silent, I plan to continue writing these fantasies out for others to enjoy. The going is slow, and sometimes nonexistent, but I am still around.
Feedback helps my frame of mind tremendously. I don’t know if people are just scared to reveal their interest in my writing or what, but I get almost no communication from readers, even as sometimes I sell 10-20 books a day. I love discussing my stories, and enjoy when people tell me what they liked best, what made them cringe, and what would’ve made a situation even better. I’m not always lightning fast, but I do respond to every message I get, either via reviews on BDSMBooks, email, commenting here, Facebook, Fetlife, wherever you see the name FerranArtist.